My week, FUN! not

Well, i havent updated in a while, nothing to really update about. It started off pretty bad, should've taken that as a bad omen though huh? Me and my damn unobservant nature!
Anyway, i had to get my second back adult mouler removed, it hurt like hell. The dentist even ended up chipping my bone and we had to go get medicine stronger than panadol, panadene i think it was. Anyway, i was in pain but decided to go to school on Wednesday, despite not having slept, and only made it through the first two hours before deciding to go home, where i passed out from the panadene as it makes me drowsy.

Thursday, the pain was okayish, it hurt but i didnt have to take is as often as before, and mum took me down to the gold coast griffith campus where she hopes to work in the near future, seeing as she doesnt like her job as the Mt Gravatt campus anymore. I met graeme, a good friend of mum's who i havent seen in a long time, since i was maybe eight or seven, and another one of mums friends Bronwin, who i havent seen in a while as well. My hopes to go to the gold coast was crushed as i spoke to some people, as they worked in the student support unit, and asked about the on campus housing, supposedly it would be too dear for me, too expensive and with what i want to do i couldnt also travel to the mt gravatt campus, when all i've wanted is to go to the gold coast campus, but now it seems i can't. That made me upset, but hey, i'll get over it right? That night i went home and passed out, seems like my way of getting over everything lately. Anyway, i got a call from my aunty telling me that her and my soon to be uncle was getting married and i had to look for a bridesmaid dress, which i was so happy about since they've been wanting to get married for so long.

Friday night is when things turned to shit. I woke up pretty late and my family are having bad family issues to do with said aunty and uncle and their children and we had to go to a meeting. My aunty has always been like my best friend, almost closer than that since she was my role model for a very long time. Anyway, at the meeting she began to cry, and it hurt me too, since i didnt like seeing her crying. I managed to hold back the tears until the end of the meeting, where my uncle went out first. He was really upset, and i told him he could talk to me whenever he wants and i'm there for them. Then my aunt left with a barely there glance at me, didnt even say goodbye, uncle did the same. It hurt me, badly. I know i should only be caring about them, but i hate only being fourteen(fifteen in two months) because i didnt know what to do. there was nothing i could do, and i'm sure they wouldnt care if i could. I am fourteen, nobody wants help from a fourteen year old, which is all i wanted to give. Walking outside, i sat there for around fifteen minutes until the rest of my family came out, my grandfather talking shit about my uncle, making me so pissed off and even more sad that i wanted to scream at him, but i bit my tongue because i didnt want them to know i was hurt. They already think low of me, i cant show them that i was weak as well. I ended up asking mum for the keys and waited in the car for another half hour or so until she came in, i had my body turned away from her and i had long ago perfected silent crying. So she didnt even realise anything for the half an hour trip until she got out to get my sister, and it was my sister who told mum i was crying. Like usual, mum doesnt allow me to cry like i would've wanted, she doesnt even offer me a pat on the back or some encouragement to stop, no, she yelled at me. She yelled at me for not being there to support my aunty and uncle, for not being able to stay strong when the one female i ever truly looked up to in my life was at her breaking point, she called me an idiot for crying, that i shouldnt need to when she doesnt understand! I am fourteen, and i admit that i've been through some things that have made me feel like shit, but i'm sorry if i cried. I'm sorry that i can't stay strong when i watch my aunty and uncle crumble. How can i? All i wanted is to be there for them, but i can't! Anyway, as soon as i got home i walked to my room and cried myself to sleep.

Saturday, things began to look up. I went shopping with two good friends of mine, Shannon and Kait. We went shopping for around five hours before calling it quits and going home, i went home, did some assignments, wrote more for my book and then went to bed around midnight after finishing an assignment.

Today, i did some more writing, some reading, some more assignments and then went for a walk with another friend Josh who lives just down the road. We had a lot of fun taking pictures for art. We even found a bridge that was like a swamp or dam underneath, it was so cool and we sat under the bridge, taking pictures for a while and classing this as 'our place'. I was happy to forget about my troubles for a while and walked to a park where we decided would be the ultimate camping place before we had to start walking back home around five:ten at night. I got home and my aunt and uncle was there, and we were talking about the wedding. I simply said that i also wanted to look for dressed with Shannon, because she is really good with advice and things like that. I asked if she could come along, and aunt and uncle said fine, but then i said that that's good, because i don't like shopping with 'her' meaning my mum, but i didnt mean it in a bad way. I was talking to my aunt at the time and i didnt say mum because she was right there, and to me saying mum would've been like talking about her as if she wasnt there. But still, this started a huge arguement between us, my uncle asking how i can call mum 'her' and things like that. But i can't help it, i was still pissed at her for Friday night.

Why do parents expect their children to be the most perfect people in their life? I don't know how other parents are with their kids, but my mum isnt exactly nice. Maybe she had me too young at twenty, maybe she didnt know how to be a mum, or maybe it's because she blames me for never being able to follow her dreams and making her stay in a job she's never liked. I don't know. But i've never had a good relationship with mum. We argued more than we spoke calmly, actually, i'm sure all we ever did was argue. I was good at school in primary school, it was easy for me then, i studied every waking minute, and did math books that you buy on the weekends for fun, maybe i raised her expectations of me too high. Because now that i'm in highschool, she expects me to be perfect still. She expects me to be like the typical females from the forties, quiet, pretty and invisible with no opinion for themselves. I have to get good grades, i should be nice to everybody i meet, i shouldnt argue and just do what she says, i should help her with my sister even when i'm doing assignments, and even though if i looked after my sister i wouldnt have time to study and get the average grades i do now. She doesnt get that while i act okay, i'm not. I distance myself from friends, scared that i'll be hurt when we leave for university in two years, the only reason i continue having the semi-acceptable relationship i have with mum now is because i know that if we have a bad relatinoship i wont be able to see my sister anymore.

Why are parents like this? Why do they not understand what you go through, what you deal with and who you are, simply because they may not like that part of you? Why are they so scared to see the person you are? Why dont they want to accept it? Why do they have to be who they are? So many questions nobody has the answer for.

Anyway, that's the end of bragging and bagging post. Sorry for being so depressing, i'm just annoyed and pissed.
Bye!