What happened?

so, life sucks i guess....

It's been a long time since i posted and a lot of things have happened. I'm exhausted, tired and ready to explode. Basically, in the clippit version, my uncle confessed to the cops about things he didnt do so i'm worried he'll go to jail, i've officially become the full-time baby sitter for Dwayne and Haylee, which is hard considering i'm not even fifteen yet and i want to be a normal teen instead of being 45 minutes away from all my friends and not being able to hang out with them all.
Since my uncle confessed their wedding is off, meaning all that dress shopping is for nothing.
I'm sick of baby sitting so much, don't get me wrong, i love my family and i love the kids, but i'm FOURTEEN! i don't want my teen life to be baby sittinng, and honestly, i spend more time with them than i do with my own fucking sister. In fact, it's the holidays and instead of spending it at home with my mum and sister i'm spending it at my fucking nanna's, baby sitting and sitting at home doing nothing. There's also the fact that the last time i saw my sister was almost a week ago, five days or so, and i havent even been able to speak to her and i miss her....

Anyway, it's the sixth day of holidays, and i have another week and a half left. I want to go out, i want to have fun, but i don't think it's possible right now. I just feel so bad all the time. How many other families are going through the same shit as us? How many families have to deal with falsely acused families like us?
What is going to happen to everybody?
I've tried to write to ignore everything, i've tried listening to music, i've tried laughing and joking, but it's all fake...and i'm not even really the one going through with it. Sure, it'll kill me to see my family be torn apart, but why now all of a sudden? My family is so fucked, and as much as i tell myself i don't love them or they don't mean that much to me, it's a lie.

My uncle Jay used to be my hero, more like a brother than anything. But he would constantly degrade me and push me away, and yet i used to cling to him tighter. I remember once, him and his brother (my other uncle) got into a bad fight, they used to hate eachother with a passion. I remember Jay punching my uncle as i stared in shock, i remember Scott, my other uncle, punching back. The next thing i know, my grandad and great uncle Cliff were pulling Jay back while he walked down the hallway, pulling my grandad and cliff with him, which trust me when i say that my grandad and uncle were two big black fellas and some of the strongest men i know, and yet my uncle dragged them down with him, wanting to get his real sword from his room to kill my uncle. The next thing i remember is standing in my nan's bathroom with Jay and my auntie Cally, i stood in the back, just wanting to help and get him to calm down. I remember them both ignoring me, but i was trying not to cry, i remember him listening to her as she told him that she loved him, and i remember him turning around to me, only to look back and ignore me. I remember saying "are you okay? You should calm down...i still love you" but it was ignored, he acted as if he hadnt heard me at all.
I think that was the day i had begun to give up on them all. that was the day i realised that even my hero had a fault and i began to lose trust in him and distance myself from him.

My uncle scott and auntie Rhia, they arent married but they have a son now. I remember when i was younger i loved him too, to me he was the funiest and fun uncle ever. He played games with me, played sport with me and taught me to fight...kind of. But one day, it was when he began to drink too much. I wasnt sure why he did, i never got the answers to that. I don't really understand what happened, just that time went on, he began to get a bad attitude, he yelled at me more, told me i couldnt do the same stuff he used to tell me i could and when i asked if he would play with me, he'd tell me he wouldnt. Time went on and i stopped trusting him, everytime i see him now he calls me bad words and yells at me...he's always drunk. What can you do though, huh? I slowly lost trust and faith in him as well, and there went my second uncle, my second hero.

I only had one biological auntie, and that's cally. We fought like cats and dogs, to the point that we'd end up beating each other. Most of my memories with her are blanks because she'd hit me too hard or i'd run away crying, and i'd force myself to forget everything i did with her. But i remember still following her everywhere, i remember calling her mum because my own never treated me like a daughter. But then, time went on and i wasnt able to go to her as much, i could no longer call her mum, and while i remember always being there for her, staying up late until she got home when she went out to drink, i didnt realise that she was pushing me away and that i was letting her. It's sad, because i still want to speak to her, see her, talk to her, but it's no longer possible. I'll always be there for her, i'll make the time, listen to what she has to say, but she can't do that for me. Our relationship got worst when she got with John, i liked him, he made her really happy i could tell, but they were both doing bad things, mum didnt like me around them, and it caused a riff between us becuase i loved my aunt and uncle and wanted to be around them, probably, more than my mum. Then she had Haylee and we drifted apart more, and now Dwayne, and i fear that in time she will hate me more than love me. Slowly, i began to no longer trust her...i gave up hope of ever having that mother daughter relatoinship i wanted back.

I didnt really like my aunt Julie, she had taken my uncle Jay away from me. I'd love her and i guess i'd be there for her in a heart beat, but probably more for Jay than her. She stopped him from doing fun things with me anymore. He wouldnt take me to the park as much, he wouldn't take me to theme parks or go on rides with me...she robbed me of the tiny contact i had with him. i never trusted her.

my mum was always a lost cause. As a kid i remember she worked too much, full-time and never spent time with me. She was the mother that instead of taking her kid to the park herself, she threw me to someone else and wouldnt even go with. She degraded me constantly, called me stupid, she basically acted as if i was the spawn of the devil. Sometimes i believe she hates me for the simple reason that i have some of my dad in me. She doesnt hug me, she never tells me she loves me, yelling is basically the only contact we have. the last time we hugged, i can't even remember, i think it was some time around mothers day. I've always wanted a better relationship with her, but i know that it will never happen.

My grandad, he was the one man i respected and looked up to. I loved him so, so much. I don't think i'd survive without him, i remember as a kid, i'd crawl into bed crying and sobbing and wake up the same way, simply because i couldnt say goodnight to them before i went to sleep. Anyway, he used to say i could talk to him any time i wanted, he gave me the biggest hugs, i used to believe they were so warm and would protect me from anything. But, as time went on, i realised that everytime i spoke to him, everything i'd say to him, he was replaying to my mother. telling her any everyone else what i'd said. I lost trust in him. Why would he do that? He promised me he wouldnt.

My nanna, she's probably the only real person i truly love in this family and still trust. She's my best friend, a living guardian angel. i don't know what i'd do without her, and i fear the day that i do.

That's almost everyone, except my sister, in my family, and i can't trust one of them any longer.
Sorry for my blog being so depressing and whiney, but maybe i'll write something happy when something happy actually happens to me. But right now, it's all doom and gloom, fake smiles and laughter. When the lollypops and rainbows appear, i'll remember to ring the devil and ask him when hell froze over.
Bye

Ello earthlings!

Well, i've had an...interesting week i guess. Anybody who shares the same veiw raise your hand and say 'I'. Now if you just did that you're an idiot....
Anyway, it started off with Ekka last Sunday, should be fun right? NOPE! i'm not being a spoilt brat, i just hate the Ekka...kinda. Anyway, it was my first time on the puffin' Billy (AKA Steam Train XP) <----- my favourite ride of the day.
then Monday day of school WOOHOO then Tuesday i got to go to the Ekka with my friends for our Art class, now that was bloody fun!! I hung around my friends and at the end we walked through this haunted house, now usually i'm not scared of this type of thing, i always go first and i don't get scared and things like that....i didnt stop screaming, jumping and sprinting through the rooms the entire time. At one point i was standing next to a wall and my three friends, the only three guys that werent chicken to go in with us, were a few feet behind and i turned around to speak to them. Suddenly one of them squeeled (which was fucking funny considering he is tall and strong and he squeeled like a girl) and i turned around to see a fucking guy in a scream mask with a knife...i screamed so loud the people outside heard me and i sprinted to the next room, but in the next room did i mention the guy with a REAL chainsaw? No? Well he chases you out, though i didnt actually get to see him because as soon as i heard the noise i screamed and ran from the room......such a good day. XP.

Anyway, Wednesday was another day off, and then while i was meant to go to school i had Thursday and Friday off because i had to help my nanna look after an 18 month old girl and a 2 month old boy. It was okay, the girl is such a cheerful baby but she gets a little (understatement) jealous of her brother, so i had to look after the baby boy. He was so cute and more awake than he should be for a baby of that age, but he did cry a lot, i think he was having gas problems...anyway, the only way i could stop him from crying was to stand under a light (even during the day, oii) and do this sort of bounce and rock thing while i spun in a circle...that wasnt that fun, but it was the only way to settle him. My nanna has arthritis and she's weak, can't walk for too long before her ankles swell up the same size as tennis balls and she can't pick the girl up because she's too heavy, so i had to baby sit.
I stayed the night on thursday night and that wasnt fun as i was awake at midnight and then once again at four am to feed and change the baby boy, but as soon as he was asleep the baby girl would start crying and i'd have to deal with her crying and trying to settle her brother while nanna put her back to sleep.

Finally i went home friday night, only to wake up early saturday and go dress shopping because i'm a bridesmaid for my aunts wedding. We finally found a dress for me thank god! It is really pretty with two different shades of blue, it is one shouldered and tight around the bust and then it just falls. Now i just need white wedges to go with them and a ring or something for jewellery.
I also got my hair cut finally, i now have nice hair with nice layers and a nice side fringe, though it isnt emo like my last one XP
Then i had to go home and get dressed in some guy clothes i stole from an uncle, just his shirt that i really want to keep because it is super comfy. At 5:25 i left my house to walk to my friends and got there by 5:30. The whole thing was to go to my friends sixteenth birthday party and the theme was to dress as the opposite sex, so i was a guy and he was a girl. Josh went all out, wearing shorts but had stocking over the top of them so that he could wear a dress that belonged to his sister over the top, he even had a fancy hair accessory.
We went to the party and it was SO much fun. But one problem arised...annoyance and confused feelings....GAH!!!!!
In grade eight i guess you could say i liked a guy, but he was my best friend but i realised after i told him of my so called 'crush' i realised that it wasnt a crush and i was just close with him. He isnt very open and rarely touches people, and i sat with him most of the night and we spoke about different things, but then Candice, a friend of mine, tried to give him a hug. She hugged him but he didnt return it and i declared that i would get a hug out of him by the end of the night as i'd managed to hug almost everybody else in our group except for two guys (i'll get them soon). And i did get a hug from him, one he returned...unfortunately i think i began to feel things for him but i'm soooo confused. It's not possible right? i don't think it can be. I can't like him! But the thing is when i say i don't like him it feels wrong. So i do like him? Or don't i? I got two hours of bloody sleep because i was worrying about this and it was pissing me off! I can't like him, but i don't know....GRRRRRRRR.
This is why i had told myself i would never date a guy during highschool, they only bring troubles! TROUBLES I TELL YA!!!!

Anyway, yesterday i didnt really do anything except school work, and I got today off because of family issues and have been doing my work all day, but i decided to have a break right now.


OOOOO, i can't forget that i finished the Manga i was reading!!! It makes me sad because it is Ghost Hunt and i LOVE ghost hunt but now the next manga doesnt come out until NEXT YEAR!!!!!
Wahhhhhhh :'(

i guess i'll survive until next year....maybe......

That was my interesting week i guess....Bye Bye!!!

My week, FUN! not

Well, i havent updated in a while, nothing to really update about. It started off pretty bad, should've taken that as a bad omen though huh? Me and my damn unobservant nature!
Anyway, i had to get my second back adult mouler removed, it hurt like hell. The dentist even ended up chipping my bone and we had to go get medicine stronger than panadol, panadene i think it was. Anyway, i was in pain but decided to go to school on Wednesday, despite not having slept, and only made it through the first two hours before deciding to go home, where i passed out from the panadene as it makes me drowsy.

Thursday, the pain was okayish, it hurt but i didnt have to take is as often as before, and mum took me down to the gold coast griffith campus where she hopes to work in the near future, seeing as she doesnt like her job as the Mt Gravatt campus anymore. I met graeme, a good friend of mum's who i havent seen in a long time, since i was maybe eight or seven, and another one of mums friends Bronwin, who i havent seen in a while as well. My hopes to go to the gold coast was crushed as i spoke to some people, as they worked in the student support unit, and asked about the on campus housing, supposedly it would be too dear for me, too expensive and with what i want to do i couldnt also travel to the mt gravatt campus, when all i've wanted is to go to the gold coast campus, but now it seems i can't. That made me upset, but hey, i'll get over it right? That night i went home and passed out, seems like my way of getting over everything lately. Anyway, i got a call from my aunty telling me that her and my soon to be uncle was getting married and i had to look for a bridesmaid dress, which i was so happy about since they've been wanting to get married for so long.

Friday night is when things turned to shit. I woke up pretty late and my family are having bad family issues to do with said aunty and uncle and their children and we had to go to a meeting. My aunty has always been like my best friend, almost closer than that since she was my role model for a very long time. Anyway, at the meeting she began to cry, and it hurt me too, since i didnt like seeing her crying. I managed to hold back the tears until the end of the meeting, where my uncle went out first. He was really upset, and i told him he could talk to me whenever he wants and i'm there for them. Then my aunt left with a barely there glance at me, didnt even say goodbye, uncle did the same. It hurt me, badly. I know i should only be caring about them, but i hate only being fourteen(fifteen in two months) because i didnt know what to do. there was nothing i could do, and i'm sure they wouldnt care if i could. I am fourteen, nobody wants help from a fourteen year old, which is all i wanted to give. Walking outside, i sat there for around fifteen minutes until the rest of my family came out, my grandfather talking shit about my uncle, making me so pissed off and even more sad that i wanted to scream at him, but i bit my tongue because i didnt want them to know i was hurt. They already think low of me, i cant show them that i was weak as well. I ended up asking mum for the keys and waited in the car for another half hour or so until she came in, i had my body turned away from her and i had long ago perfected silent crying. So she didnt even realise anything for the half an hour trip until she got out to get my sister, and it was my sister who told mum i was crying. Like usual, mum doesnt allow me to cry like i would've wanted, she doesnt even offer me a pat on the back or some encouragement to stop, no, she yelled at me. She yelled at me for not being there to support my aunty and uncle, for not being able to stay strong when the one female i ever truly looked up to in my life was at her breaking point, she called me an idiot for crying, that i shouldnt need to when she doesnt understand! I am fourteen, and i admit that i've been through some things that have made me feel like shit, but i'm sorry if i cried. I'm sorry that i can't stay strong when i watch my aunty and uncle crumble. How can i? All i wanted is to be there for them, but i can't! Anyway, as soon as i got home i walked to my room and cried myself to sleep.

Saturday, things began to look up. I went shopping with two good friends of mine, Shannon and Kait. We went shopping for around five hours before calling it quits and going home, i went home, did some assignments, wrote more for my book and then went to bed around midnight after finishing an assignment.

Today, i did some more writing, some reading, some more assignments and then went for a walk with another friend Josh who lives just down the road. We had a lot of fun taking pictures for art. We even found a bridge that was like a swamp or dam underneath, it was so cool and we sat under the bridge, taking pictures for a while and classing this as 'our place'. I was happy to forget about my troubles for a while and walked to a park where we decided would be the ultimate camping place before we had to start walking back home around five:ten at night. I got home and my aunt and uncle was there, and we were talking about the wedding. I simply said that i also wanted to look for dressed with Shannon, because she is really good with advice and things like that. I asked if she could come along, and aunt and uncle said fine, but then i said that that's good, because i don't like shopping with 'her' meaning my mum, but i didnt mean it in a bad way. I was talking to my aunt at the time and i didnt say mum because she was right there, and to me saying mum would've been like talking about her as if she wasnt there. But still, this started a huge arguement between us, my uncle asking how i can call mum 'her' and things like that. But i can't help it, i was still pissed at her for Friday night.

Why do parents expect their children to be the most perfect people in their life? I don't know how other parents are with their kids, but my mum isnt exactly nice. Maybe she had me too young at twenty, maybe she didnt know how to be a mum, or maybe it's because she blames me for never being able to follow her dreams and making her stay in a job she's never liked. I don't know. But i've never had a good relationship with mum. We argued more than we spoke calmly, actually, i'm sure all we ever did was argue. I was good at school in primary school, it was easy for me then, i studied every waking minute, and did math books that you buy on the weekends for fun, maybe i raised her expectations of me too high. Because now that i'm in highschool, she expects me to be perfect still. She expects me to be like the typical females from the forties, quiet, pretty and invisible with no opinion for themselves. I have to get good grades, i should be nice to everybody i meet, i shouldnt argue and just do what she says, i should help her with my sister even when i'm doing assignments, and even though if i looked after my sister i wouldnt have time to study and get the average grades i do now. She doesnt get that while i act okay, i'm not. I distance myself from friends, scared that i'll be hurt when we leave for university in two years, the only reason i continue having the semi-acceptable relationship i have with mum now is because i know that if we have a bad relatinoship i wont be able to see my sister anymore.

Why are parents like this? Why do they not understand what you go through, what you deal with and who you are, simply because they may not like that part of you? Why are they so scared to see the person you are? Why dont they want to accept it? Why do they have to be who they are? So many questions nobody has the answer for.

Anyway, that's the end of bragging and bagging post. Sorry for being so depressing, i'm just annoyed and pissed.
Bye!

Post one....

Well, there honestly isnt much to say...

I'm recreating my blog for different reasons, one of them being i havent written in it since i was 13 and that was 2 years ago, things change, people change and all that crap. I was bored and something major in my family has happened that i can't talk about to anyone. I admit, i've told three friends and honestly, two i regret telling it to. Not being mean, but they can't help and speaking about it just made me feel guilty.
I'm almost fifteen now, October is only three months away, my birthday in exactly seventy days, not that i'm counting or anything XP...life is okayish, i'm getting on, not backing down and trying to live as well as i can. I've left issues in the past and focusing on the much awaited future. I'm focusing on my classes, as boring as it is, i'm in grade ten now and seriously have to focus, unfortunately. eight more weeks of this term left, and then i have one more and it's grade 11...gulp...

Anyway...i guess i was bored and wanted to start writing this again, though not that many people read it ;p My sister is almost four...very scary thought since she already acts so much like i did...i hope she doesnt make the same mistakes...mum and i have gone from arguing about little things to my bloody future...grrrrr....reality sucks!
Anyway, i'm still hanging out with my friends, the best and awesomest freaks i've ever met...hehehehe, you know it's true...and i'm happy to say that i've become slightly closer to two of them, but sadly drifted from the rest. It has more to do that i am changing, attitudes are changing and i can talk to these two more and i'm in none of their classes.

Anyway, that's all i've been doing for these two years that i havent written...i know, boring right? Well, it's flashed by in a blur and the future is stressing me out epically.
Time for my little anger rambling...and my twisted logic!

Why do they make fifteen, well fourteen really, year olds choose what they want to be for the rest of their life now? I get the whole fact that we only have two more years left and need them to learn the proper subjects, but how are we meant to know? and yes, i also get the fact that some people may have known since they were little kids what they want to do, or that we can change school subjects during the course of the next two years or even change university courses (if that's where your future takes you) but how are we meant to know? Some people won't have the money to change it in the future and may have to drop out, others may not know and be stuck in a job they hate...this is just my logic, but i don't get it! I think it's wrong to make us chose our life right now, it's like handing a little kid a gun, lining up four people that are identical, and telling them to shoot the bad guy. My logic of that, is that we are still kids, no matter how much i deny it, our logic is still that of a childs, we fight like bitches and judge on appearances. All of our lives start the same, growing up as kids, going to school...whether you have sucky grades or ace tests...but we all have different paths to take. The problem is, right now they all look identical, they are going to start the same but they will have different obstacles that we can't see, and they are telling us to chose out of these paths that to us...right now...are the same. How do they expect us to do it and think we have to stay on this path?

I'm stuck between choosing university's. Mum wants me to go to the one she works at...Griffith University...and while i admit it IS a good Uni, i'm not sure if it's the right one for me. It may be perfect, but i've grown up around them, and i've always felt like an outsider walking those grounds. It may be because i'm still young and i'm surrounded by older people, but it doesnt feel right to me and i follow my instincts. The problem is that mum won't let me go to the others, i thought maybe ACU (Australian Catholic University) because it seemed good. I've got the booklets and while the OP to get into it is high, it something i can push myself towards, something i want to do myself, but i'm not allowed. I want to be a Solicitor, working with Child abused victims as a prosecutor, that way i don't have to help the bad guy and only the kids...but how can i make it when i have someone choosing my path for me?
Well...anyway...instead of this poor me shit that i've got going i'm just going to say that i'm going to fight for my right, fight for the identical paths and go down the one i hope is right for me, and not based on others judgements. They may be wiser than me, and they may have been around me all the time and been throught more but they dont know me and my dreams and opinions as well as they think they do...because i'm not them.

Enough of my rambling...Bye!!