What happened?

so, life sucks i guess....

It's been a long time since i posted and a lot of things have happened. I'm exhausted, tired and ready to explode. Basically, in the clippit version, my uncle confessed to the cops about things he didnt do so i'm worried he'll go to jail, i've officially become the full-time baby sitter for Dwayne and Haylee, which is hard considering i'm not even fifteen yet and i want to be a normal teen instead of being 45 minutes away from all my friends and not being able to hang out with them all.
Since my uncle confessed their wedding is off, meaning all that dress shopping is for nothing.
I'm sick of baby sitting so much, don't get me wrong, i love my family and i love the kids, but i'm FOURTEEN! i don't want my teen life to be baby sittinng, and honestly, i spend more time with them than i do with my own fucking sister. In fact, it's the holidays and instead of spending it at home with my mum and sister i'm spending it at my fucking nanna's, baby sitting and sitting at home doing nothing. There's also the fact that the last time i saw my sister was almost a week ago, five days or so, and i havent even been able to speak to her and i miss her....

Anyway, it's the sixth day of holidays, and i have another week and a half left. I want to go out, i want to have fun, but i don't think it's possible right now. I just feel so bad all the time. How many other families are going through the same shit as us? How many families have to deal with falsely acused families like us?
What is going to happen to everybody?
I've tried to write to ignore everything, i've tried listening to music, i've tried laughing and joking, but it's all fake...and i'm not even really the one going through with it. Sure, it'll kill me to see my family be torn apart, but why now all of a sudden? My family is so fucked, and as much as i tell myself i don't love them or they don't mean that much to me, it's a lie.

My uncle Jay used to be my hero, more like a brother than anything. But he would constantly degrade me and push me away, and yet i used to cling to him tighter. I remember once, him and his brother (my other uncle) got into a bad fight, they used to hate eachother with a passion. I remember Jay punching my uncle as i stared in shock, i remember Scott, my other uncle, punching back. The next thing i know, my grandad and great uncle Cliff were pulling Jay back while he walked down the hallway, pulling my grandad and cliff with him, which trust me when i say that my grandad and uncle were two big black fellas and some of the strongest men i know, and yet my uncle dragged them down with him, wanting to get his real sword from his room to kill my uncle. The next thing i remember is standing in my nan's bathroom with Jay and my auntie Cally, i stood in the back, just wanting to help and get him to calm down. I remember them both ignoring me, but i was trying not to cry, i remember him listening to her as she told him that she loved him, and i remember him turning around to me, only to look back and ignore me. I remember saying "are you okay? You should calm down...i still love you" but it was ignored, he acted as if he hadnt heard me at all.
I think that was the day i had begun to give up on them all. that was the day i realised that even my hero had a fault and i began to lose trust in him and distance myself from him.

My uncle scott and auntie Rhia, they arent married but they have a son now. I remember when i was younger i loved him too, to me he was the funiest and fun uncle ever. He played games with me, played sport with me and taught me to fight...kind of. But one day, it was when he began to drink too much. I wasnt sure why he did, i never got the answers to that. I don't really understand what happened, just that time went on, he began to get a bad attitude, he yelled at me more, told me i couldnt do the same stuff he used to tell me i could and when i asked if he would play with me, he'd tell me he wouldnt. Time went on and i stopped trusting him, everytime i see him now he calls me bad words and yells at me...he's always drunk. What can you do though, huh? I slowly lost trust and faith in him as well, and there went my second uncle, my second hero.

I only had one biological auntie, and that's cally. We fought like cats and dogs, to the point that we'd end up beating each other. Most of my memories with her are blanks because she'd hit me too hard or i'd run away crying, and i'd force myself to forget everything i did with her. But i remember still following her everywhere, i remember calling her mum because my own never treated me like a daughter. But then, time went on and i wasnt able to go to her as much, i could no longer call her mum, and while i remember always being there for her, staying up late until she got home when she went out to drink, i didnt realise that she was pushing me away and that i was letting her. It's sad, because i still want to speak to her, see her, talk to her, but it's no longer possible. I'll always be there for her, i'll make the time, listen to what she has to say, but she can't do that for me. Our relationship got worst when she got with John, i liked him, he made her really happy i could tell, but they were both doing bad things, mum didnt like me around them, and it caused a riff between us becuase i loved my aunt and uncle and wanted to be around them, probably, more than my mum. Then she had Haylee and we drifted apart more, and now Dwayne, and i fear that in time she will hate me more than love me. Slowly, i began to no longer trust her...i gave up hope of ever having that mother daughter relatoinship i wanted back.

I didnt really like my aunt Julie, she had taken my uncle Jay away from me. I'd love her and i guess i'd be there for her in a heart beat, but probably more for Jay than her. She stopped him from doing fun things with me anymore. He wouldnt take me to the park as much, he wouldn't take me to theme parks or go on rides with me...she robbed me of the tiny contact i had with him. i never trusted her.

my mum was always a lost cause. As a kid i remember she worked too much, full-time and never spent time with me. She was the mother that instead of taking her kid to the park herself, she threw me to someone else and wouldnt even go with. She degraded me constantly, called me stupid, she basically acted as if i was the spawn of the devil. Sometimes i believe she hates me for the simple reason that i have some of my dad in me. She doesnt hug me, she never tells me she loves me, yelling is basically the only contact we have. the last time we hugged, i can't even remember, i think it was some time around mothers day. I've always wanted a better relationship with her, but i know that it will never happen.

My grandad, he was the one man i respected and looked up to. I loved him so, so much. I don't think i'd survive without him, i remember as a kid, i'd crawl into bed crying and sobbing and wake up the same way, simply because i couldnt say goodnight to them before i went to sleep. Anyway, he used to say i could talk to him any time i wanted, he gave me the biggest hugs, i used to believe they were so warm and would protect me from anything. But, as time went on, i realised that everytime i spoke to him, everything i'd say to him, he was replaying to my mother. telling her any everyone else what i'd said. I lost trust in him. Why would he do that? He promised me he wouldnt.

My nanna, she's probably the only real person i truly love in this family and still trust. She's my best friend, a living guardian angel. i don't know what i'd do without her, and i fear the day that i do.

That's almost everyone, except my sister, in my family, and i can't trust one of them any longer.
Sorry for my blog being so depressing and whiney, but maybe i'll write something happy when something happy actually happens to me. But right now, it's all doom and gloom, fake smiles and laughter. When the lollypops and rainbows appear, i'll remember to ring the devil and ask him when hell froze over.
Bye